Memories of Steve

Hello again laughter

(November 9. 1980)

Sometimes

We spend so much time crying

We don’t recognize laughter.

You made me laugh

Long before I would admit.

I was so busy being miserable

I almost missed your smile.

Thank god I looked

In time to see

Our laughter.

Gently

(March 27, 1980)

With hands so gentle

He caresses me,

His touch is like the softness

Of early morning dew

On my parched and weary body.

It’s hard to believe

A man could possess such gentleness.

I have been loved before 

But never gently.

Old Grey Ghost

Driving through town

I saw an old grey van

Parked by the corner bar.

Circled ‘round the block

To get another look

But this one wasn’t missing

The grillwork on the front

So I drove on home.

Lying in bed 

Late at night

I heard an engine roar

Was it an old grey van

Outside my house?

As the door slammed

I listened for the metallic clank

Of a doorknob falling off

But it never came

SoI turned the radio up

To drive away 

That noisy old grey ghost

Always roaring though my mind 

Reminding me of when

It was parked next to me.

That space stays empty

While the old grey van roars past.

Goodbye

(December 1984)

We’ve said goodbye before

But you never really leave

For you’ve become a part of me

A part of what I am

And all that I might be

A part created

From the best of love

And friendship

Strengthened

Not only by joy

But sorrow

And held close 

With a thousand memories

A part

Never to be forfeited

To a mere word

Goodbye.

Mother's Day (for Joann)

Sunday is Mother's Day.

I thought I was ready

to face it without you.

I was wrong.

 

You were always there

When I needed to talk.

Did you ever wish

I'd just shut up and listen?

 

I'd love to listen now

To the details of your life

But we ran out of time

Before I asked all my questions.

 

Why did your mother work?

Couldn’t be a "housewife"?

What did she do to you

For you erased her forever?

 

Did you resent the times

she left alone you all alone

to make mustard sandwiches

for your little brother?

 

Did you have your own goals?

Did you really want to be

a wife, mother and teacher

Or was that just the easy path?

 

Life was all mapped out,

You just followed the plan,

but I remember the time

when you cried in the kitchen.

 

You asked my brother and I

how we would feel

if we didn't live with Daddy,

But that wasn't the plan.

 

Did Dad make you happy

or were you just a bit relieved,

After years of deferring to him,

when he passed away at sixty. 

 

I bet it was freeing,

if a bit lonely,

to finally live your life

exactly like you wanted.

 

Did you like being my mom?

I know I caused you heartache

with my constant drama

and poor choices.

 

How many times

did you have to bail me out

financially and emotionally?

How many tears 

did my selfishness cost you?

 

Did you ever wish I'd just go away

and leave you in peace

like your mother did?

Like my father did?

 

I appreciated all you did for me,

I wanted to pay you back,

but I just got too busy

living my life.

 

If I'd only known

what I know now

I would have spent more time

Listening and doing

exactly what you wanted.